as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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