im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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