This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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