so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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