the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
