considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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