he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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