I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
that's an acceptable place to lick
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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