I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
YAS. BRING CRAB.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
