last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
