i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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