The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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