Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
