Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
