Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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