you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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