Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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