Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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