What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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