she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
