He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
