Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
