Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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