Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize