How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
