I am in a vortex of obligation.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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