Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
