I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
