Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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