im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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