i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
