I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
