is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
