connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
