how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
