So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize