do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
