I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
