Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
barbara walters just said penis...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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