Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
