We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
