she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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