I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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