I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
