I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
