I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
so much tequila, so little girl.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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