careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize