I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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