Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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