youre lurking in front of me
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
