I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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