Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
