i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
