Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
