i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
